White Male Page 20

  “Right now I’m boarding a plane to go back home to California. Permanently.

  Congratulations on your engagement. Thanks for everything. Goodbye.

  L.”

  *****

  When I landed in LAX on the red-eye early Friday morning flight, my father was waiting to meet me before he went to work. It took me only a few minutes to locate the tall, former college basketball player who was still as handsome as ever, with his youthful, unlined face; despite being in his fifties. The minute I spotted him, I burst into tears and he held me in his arms, hugging me tightly. Somehow he knew not to demand an immediate explanation of my tears and sudden return to California.

  When he and my step-mother left for work a few hours later, I trudged upstairs to my old bedroom; feeling strangely unfamiliar with this place I’d called home all my life. I switched on my phone, expecting to see a barrage of missed calls and texts from Jonathan. There was nothing. He’d finally gotten the message. We’d broken up and I’d gone back to California. He was now free to live his life, without my presence there to complicate things for him and his family. In the next few days, I discarded my Atlanta number and got a new one; making sure Jonathan Carter would never ever find me again.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Returning to LA was not easy; I was nursing the pain of my break up with Jonathan and being back in my father's house was difficult. He was convinced my mother was the reason I’d run away from Atlanta; he still remembered her as she was eighteen years before when her addiction to alcohol had ripped our family apart. No matter what I said to defend her, even when I told him it was about a guy, he was convinced she was behind every shadow he saw in the despair I was struggling to hide.

  I breathed a sigh of relief on hearing that Willis had transferred to an NFL team in the Midwest. My dad told me he’d been round in his shiny new car, asking for my number before moving to his new team. I knew it was probably just an opportunity for him to boast about his success after I dumped him and refused to be part of his harem of women, so I was glad I didn’t have to face him. I stopped birth control abruptly since I’d no longer need it and my irregular periods added to the misery, playing havoc with my hormones as my body struggled to find its natural rhythm.

  I resolved to find a job as soon as possible. I could have relaxed for a few more months if I wanted to, with the decent commission I’d earned at Strauss Carter. But I wanted to get back out there, get my own place, move on with my life and forget all about Jonathan Carter.

  For the first few weeks, I spent time trying to enjoy the California sunshine, doing my best to get back into the West coast rhythm. I convinced myself the dry Los Angeles heat was preferable to Atlanta’s humidity that made it hard to function outdoors, but Jonathan wasn’t here and that made it equally unbearable. I lost count of the number of times I cried and tortured myself looking at the selfies we’d taken in the Bahamas on my birthday when he’d whisked me away in a private jet, brought me a pretty birthday cake to blow out a candle and made love to me all day in the Cabana on his private beach.

  Trying to piece my life back together was going to be an uphill battle after what I’d shared with Jonathan back in Atlanta. Knowing he’d been engaged to another woman all the time I was with him hurt me worse than anything. He’d said he wanted me to be his official girlfriend; how was he going to manage that while engaged? Maybe he knew I was resistant to publicizing our relationship while working for him and was leading me by the tail into becoming his permanent side-piece. Isn’t that what they do? They make you fall in love, get you addicted to the sex and the drama, then they tell you there’s been a wife or fiancée all along. Before you know it, you are putting up with it because you believe there’s nobody better out there. As painful as it was to leave him, I knew it was the right thing to do.

  ****

  By the time I got to my fourth week back in Los Angeles, my dad was getting impatient and felt I needed to get a grip. He didn’t want me moping around the house anymore.

  On a Tuesday afternoon when he was going to his coaching job at the university, he invited me to go with him, so I could work out in the gym and meet some of the freshman talent he was working with on the basketball court.

  I didn’t want to embarrass my dad and myself, so I fixed my hair and did myself up to look presentable. When we got to the pavilion, I met the young players and chatted with them, then went off to the gym to do a free weight work out. It was comforting to see not much had changed since I was last there as a student. A couple of friendly guys came over to say hello and although I didn’t want to talk to any of them, I was polite enough, before excusing myself as soon as I could.

  I was talking to Hakeem, one of the older basketball guys on the college team I knew through my dad, when there was suddenly a little commotion and murmur of excitement near the entrance of the gym. A crowd of people was surging forward and I couldn’t tell what was happening. With his height, Hakeem was able to see and I saw his eyes light up.

  “What’s going on?” I asked him, trying to see what had caused the excitement.

  “The NFL guys are here,” he said walking towards them. “I’ll be right back, let me go and say what’s up.”

  They were evidently guys who’d come up through the college team and were probably just visiting their alma mater and former coaches. Over the years, I’d see former students now in the NFL and NBA visit their former coaches to inspire the youngsters on the college team when they were in town. I watched warily as the group of five athletes edged forward through the crowd of fans, hoping a certain person would not be among them.

  As my luck would have it, Willis appeared, leading the pack, shaking hands and shoulder bumping almost every person who approached him. He was acting as though he were a superstar, which I guess he was, being an NFL athlete.

  He’d been drafted just as he graduated from college. We were dating at the time, but the sudden fame had brought with it endless drama and Willis couldn’t handle himself. He’d cheated on me and treated me like total garbage and I’d let him. I definitely didn’t want to see him. When he’d come over to visit the house when I was in Atlanta and had asked for my number; my dad had cleverly asked for his instead, telling him he’d pass the message.

  People had always said he looked like a young Blair Underwood and I noticed he was looking really good; he seemed taller than I remembered and he was massive; built like a machine and was busy taking selfies with the adoring group of college students rushing to him and his friends. I knew two of the other guys too from their college football days. All of them were now scattered all over the country playing for different teams, so them being here together was probably a planned arrangement.

  I quickly grabbed my towel and turned around to head for the locker room before he spotted me.

  I hung out in the locker room for a while, glad I’d managed to get away before Willis saw me. I recalled the last conversation I’d had with Willis when we broke up.

  “I can’t let you do this to me anymore,” I’d screamed at him, crying hard and almost tearing my hair out after I’d caught him in his hotel room with a young freshman college girl, blowing his small dick.

  Neither he nor the girl had stopped; they’d carried on like I wasn’t even there and I’d left almost blind with tears. He’d called an hour later and for the first time, I didn’t rush to answer his call. He’d finally broken me. I’d already been planning to visit my mother in the new year; but after that final incident, I made my plans more permanent. His loser friend Shane had come over and demanded all the things that Willis had ever given me on his behalf so I gave them to him, left for Atlanta, changed my number and had never spoken to Willis again. This was my first time laying eyes on him since that incident in the hotel room that had been supplied by his agent during the draft season.

  He’d gotten a multimillion dollar contract and for the first time in his life, everything he could ever want was available to him; the money, the fame, the
women. I tried to save our relationship but I was working full time and couldn’t compete with all the drama; so I’d left him to it and walked away.

  Eventually I headed out of the locker room, carefully looking out for Willis and his crew. Seeing the coast was clear, I headed out to the basketball pavilion to sit and watch the training. I waved at my dad and sat down in a corner at the top, waiting impatiently for them to finish their final hour so we could go home.

  As I watched the players shooting their three-pointers, I saw Willis and his entourage enter the court from the far right side, through the players’ walkway. Ofcourse training immediately stopped as the young players went to pay homage to these guys who’d made it before them although it was in a different sport. I shrunk further in the corner, hoping he wouldn’t be able to see me. I watched anxiously as Willis went over to my dad to talk. Shit. What the hell were they saying?

  When I’d dated him, my dad did not like him at all and always told me I could do better; even after Willis got drafted. So I hoped my dad wouldn’t tell him I was there. I watched in dread as my father turned around and pointed up at the corner where I was seated. Willis looked up, mumbled something to my dad then headed in my direction.

  My stomach was twisting badly just watching him coming towards me; probably to gloat about his success. At six feet tall he was a gorgeous African American male with a body built for contact sport and speed. I couldn’t help watching him with admiration as he walked up in that confident swagger he’d always had. As he came closer, I decided to just smile and be as friendly as I could; I didn’t want to give him the impression that I was still hurting over him.

  “Lena!” he exclaimed as he got to me, spreading his strong, massive arms out to engulf me in a powerful bear hug.

  “Hi, Will,” I replied hugging him back, feeling tiny compared to his huge, muscular frame.

  He held me close to him for a long moment, swaying us from side to side, until I broke away, needing some distance.

  “Lena, my God, I thought I’d never see you again. How have you been?” he asked with emotion in his voice.

  I looked at him quizzically. He actually acted like he was genuinely pleased to see me.

  “I’ve been good,” I replied smiling at him. Ofcourse I wasn’t being entirely truthful, but the truth helped no-one. Jonathan was constantly on my mind; I was hurting and my emotions were still raw.

  “You look beautiful, bae,” he said, sweeping his eyes over me.

  Bae? I ignored it.

  “Thank you, Will.”

  “Just now I thought I saw you in the gym, but you disappeared so I came to ask your dad if you were around. When did you get back?”

  “About a month ago.”

  “Are you back for good?”

  “I don’t know yet; I’ll see,” I answered cautiously, not wanting to reveal much to him. “And you, how long are you in town for?”

  “About a week. I’m based in Kansas now so I got some time off to see my mom and be the best man at Rashon’s wedding this Saturday.”

  Rashon was his former team mate on the college football team and was one of the guys talking to the basketball rookies below.

  “Really?” I said genuinely happy for Rashon. “That’s great, tell him I said congratulations.”

  He stepped forward and took my hand, looking at me with those deep, brown, soulful eyes that always had me ready to forgive every vile thing he did.

  “I can’t tell you how good it is to see you. Did Coach Williams tell you I came looking for you and left my number?”

  “Yeah he did,” I replied shrugging.

  “So why didn’t you call me?”

  “I don’t know; I guess I was busy with work and everything.”

  “Listen, Lena. I need to see you. I have some charity appearances I have to do for the next couple of days plus the bachelor party on Thursday night, but can I see you Friday?”

  “No, Will. I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I replied, not hiding my reluctance.

  “Lena, please,” he began in that smooth convincing manner he had. “You and I go way back. You were my girl. You know? When you left me I didn’t think you were serious about breaking up with me. So much was happening at the time, I couldn’t manage it all. I did you wrong and I just want to apologize for everything. That’s all.”

  I’d often wondered what I’d feel if Willis ever apologized for all the hurt he’d caused. Would I feel emotional and shed a tear? Would I run back into his arms? I felt none of that; just an empty feeling of… nothingness. His apology was meaningless to me and held no tangible value. I’d spent so much time healing from his destruction; there was nothing left. I didn’t want to lead him on.

  “I can’t see you, Willis,” I said, letting go of his hand.

  “Why bae? You still haven’t forgiven me?”

  “I forgave you a long time ago, I just don’t think it’s necessary for us to go on a date for you to apologize.”

  “Lena, you were my day one. When I was the broke kid who got a scholarship here, you were there. You were there when I was nothing. I just want to spend time with you as an old friend, is all. In my life now, I rarely meet anyone who keeps it real. It’s all fake, everybody wants a piece of me. Please, bae. Let’s just hang out. I promise I’ll keep it cool.”

  I thought for a long moment, looking at him incredulously. This Willis was the one I first met during our first year in college; the nice boy whose idea of taking me out to lunch was to buy one dollar hot dogs because that’s all he could afford. If there was going to be nothing more than hanging out, perhaps I could consider it.

  “Just as friends?” I asked him to be sure.

  “Just as friends, I promise.”

  I smiled. “Ok, see you Friday.”

  We exchanged numbers then he went back down to his friends and they left.

  What the hell was I doing? I thought to myself on my way home with my dad. Willis had made me flee California; was I seriously agreeing to go out on a date with him? We were going out as friends, but I knew Willis; he always pushed his boundaries; that’s what made him a successful athlete.

  I also couldn’t help thinking about Jonathan. He was still constantly on my mind and the tears would flow whenever I thought about him. Although Jonathan had lied by concealing his fiancée Ashley who I found out about from his wicked mother, going out on a date, even as friends with Willis felt like a betrayal to Jonathan and what we’d shared. It was too soon; I was far from ready to even consider a relationship with any other man.

  As Friday got closer, I thought seriously about canceling our outing, but I didn’t want to flake on him after his ‘friends’ approach. I’d make certain nothing happened between us, and a small part of me wanted the closure I never got when Willis and I broke up. Besides, he was going back to the Midwest the following week; at least I’d have made peace with someone who was once my ‘everything’. I hoped we’d have a great time, then say good bye at the end of the evening and that’d be it.

  Friday night, I got dressed up for my night out with Willis. When we spoke on the phone we’d agreed to dinner and then we’d go to a popular club in East LA so I could see Rashon and the other guys.

  I’d had my hair and nails professionally done and my make up was on point. I wore a little, black, figure hugging dress with one bare shoulder and wore my gold earrings. I paired it with strappy black heels and a black clutch and when I looked in the mirror, I knew I was totally slaying. A part of me wanted to make him eat his heart out and see me at my best. Even my dad made a comment about how great I was looking, but side-eyed me suspiciously when I told him I was going on a date with Willis. He’d known about his reputation and had seen me cry over his behavior before I moved to Atlanta.

  My dad had been completely faithful to my mom and had waited for his divorce to go through before dating any other women, even when he’d come home to find her passed out drunk most evenings. My dad prided himself in being an upright, black ma
n and had stayed committed to my step-mother even though she couldn’t have kids. He didn’t care about Willis’ success; he just didn’t want his little girl hurt.

  Every moment I was waiting for Willis, I was still thinking about Jonathan. He was miles away in Atlanta, probably with Ashley and his parents having a nice evening dinner. I knew I had to stop thinking and obsessing about him constantly. I’d ended our relationship and returned to California and he was now free to be with his fiancée. On a daily basis, I had to keep focused on why we broke up in order to cope with each day. And now tonight, I’d be seeing Willis and hopefully find the closure I’d sought for a long time; then close this chapter of my life for good.

  Willis called me on the phone when he arrived and I went out to the curb. There before me, was a gleaming, brand new Bentley in a smoky silver color. I looked at it, totally awed he’d finally bought the dream car I knew he’d always wanted. I knew he had a contract worth millions and could probably afford it, but it was still a shock to see the Willis I’d caught the bus with, now having this kind of money to spend.

  I opened the door and settled in then he took off, merging expertly into traffic.

  “Damn, girl; you look so good!” he said as we made our way through crazy early evening traffic.

  “Thanks,” I answered smiling. “You too.”

  He was dressed all in black with a collared shirt and dress shoes, clearly making an effort to dress smartly.

  “Nice car,” I said, looking around and admiring the luxurious interior.

  He launched into a speech about its specs; talking about the rims, the upholstery, turbo something and all sorts of other information I couldn’t understand while I nodded along; he had certainly come a long way.