White Male Page 24

  "J… Jonathan,” I stuttered, “there’s something I didn't tell you. I got caught up in all of this and seeing you after all these weeks."

  He looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to explain this mind-fuck.

  "I ... I'm sorry, but I’m with someone. I have a boyfriend." I lied straight to his face.

  He looked at me and laughed mirthlessly.

  "Lena, don't lie to me, by the way we made love today, there’s no way you’ve been seeing anybody."

  "I am," I said more firmly. "And I love him. I want to be with him. I can't be with you. I'm sorry."

  “Who is he?” he shouted angrily. “Lena, damn it. I will fucking destroy any man who is standing in my way, I swear to God. Tell me; who the fuck is he?”

  My heart broke into fragments. I had to stay strong; this was for him, not for me.

  “It’s Willis,” I blurted, trying to suppress my disgust when I said his name.

  He looked at me completely bewildered. “Willis? So you got back with that fucking asshole that broke your heart?”

  I only managed a nod.

  “But he treated you like shit and made you leave LA,” he said, perplexed.

  I swallowed hard, failing to dislodge the wretched lump lodged in my chest.

  I nodded. “We spoke when I got back to LA and we resolved our differences. We… we love each other.”

  Nothing could be further from the truth; when Willis went back to the Midwest, he’d tried to call a few times but I’d ignored all his calls and rejected the Cartier diamond earrings he’d sent. I felt nothing for him at all. But I had to take away all Jonathan’s hopes for reconciliation. I had no choice.

  He looked at me with a look of anguish and fell to his knees. The ring box scattered out of his hand as he swallowed hard, fighting for control.

  "Please. I’m begging you. Don’t do this." he whispered.

  I had to leave immediately, before I ran into his arms and lost my determination to let him have a better future than I could ever hope give him.

  "I have to go. He's waiting for me at home. Good bye." I picked up my purse and walked to the front door. I paused for a moment and looked back and saw Jonathan collapsed, face down on the floor, his head resting on his arm in torment. My destruction was complete. I rushed out as fast as I could, with tears streaming soundlessly down my face.

  Chapter Twenty Seven

  Over the next few days, I barely got out of bed. The look on Jonathan’s face when I told him I was in love with Willis haunted my days and nights. I struggled to sleep then struggled to get out of bed. He’d tried to call countless times and sent endless texts.

  “Please see me.”

  “I love you.”

  “Don't do this.”

  “Leave him for me.”

  “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??”

  “But you said you loved me.”

  “Why??????”

  Each text cut me to the quick. I had to block his number; I was adamant about my decision. As much as it hurt, I knew it was the right thing to do. I loved him and would probably never love any man like I did Jonathan. But I couldn't let him risk everything just for me. What if he ended up regretting it when he realized I wasn’t worth it? What if someday he woke up and realized he’d made a bad decision he couldn’t reverse? What about his parents? His parents were not young anymore and they loved their son; their only son. Who was I to swoop in within months of knowing him to destroy their family? It wasn't my place to take away everything they’d hoped and built by selfishly taking him from them.

  I ran everything over and over in my head until it hurt, wondering whether there could have been a way around this. We could have carried on a secret relationship instead, but eventually we’d both have had to come to this point of saying goodbye. My arguments sounded weak, even to me; but I convinced myself it was for the best.

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  About two weeks after our final breakup, I got a call from one of the interviews I’d done. Having resigned without serving notice from Strauss Carter, I expected them to give me a bad reference. Apparently, I’d been given a glowing reference by Mr. Baker. The new firm wanted me to do the medicals and start the following week on the first of the month.

  I went in to do a medical exam with my physician which included a general check up and pee in a cup. I wasn't doing the full check for this company since it was optional; just the mandatory. Dr. Bergman had attended to me since I was a high school senior. I was healthy so we barely saw each other, but she always remembered me when I had to come in.

  After I’d dressed, she returned to the exam room and I got ready to leave thinking she’d written her report and was handing it to me.

  "Miss. Williams, please sit down." She was looking grave, unsmiling.

  "What's wrong?" I asked, confused and wondering if something was wrong with my tests.

  "I don't know how to say this so I'll just be blunt; your pregnancy test came up positive."

  It was as though the whole bottom of my world fell out from under me. Pregnant? How? When?

  "No, there must be some mistake," I shook my head. "Those can’t be my results."

  "We have done two tests on your urine sample, but to be sure, we’ll draw blood and send it to the lab and your results will be back tomorrow."

  I continued to shake my head in disbelief. "No way, must be a mistake."

  "Ms. Williams, when was your last period?"

  I thought for a moment.

  "Almost four weeks; I'm expecting it within the next two days."

  "When was the last time you had sex?"

  "Two weeks ago."

  "Did you use protection?"

  "No, but he pulled out---"

  “Miss Williams,” she cut me off, giving me a ‘don’t be a dumb ass’ look. “You’re probably at least two weeks pregnant. The withdrawal method is bottom of the barrel as far as birth control methods go. Failure rate is over thirty percent. You really should have used a condom or the Pill or better still, both. I note here that we did prescribe the Pill before. Was it not working for you?"

  "I… I’d stopped taking it. Long story.” I was at a loss for words. I barely heard what she said before she left the room and a nurse came in to draw blood from my arm.

  I went home and crawled into bed, shaking with fear. I didn't know what to think. I’d gotten pregnant out of wedlock. I was going to be a single mother and my child would never know their father. I’d since blocked Jonathan's number and was no longer receiving his messages. I had no intention of ever telling him. After the revelation, I was more adamant now that I’d made the right decision, to shut him out of my life. A baby would have made things far worse. But I had to figure out what to do with my future.

  I was fortunate the company I applied for still wanted to take me, although maternity leave would be very stringent. The Human Resources Manager was very sympathetic but maternal leave benefits were reserved for employees who’d been employed for at least a year before claiming them. I got three weeks; unpaid. It was still a long time before I had to deal with that and I’d cross that bridge when I came to it.

  When my mother heard the news, she scolded me over the phone about ‘laying down’ then I bought her a ticket and she flew over for a weekend to see me. Her disappointment was flooded out by her concern and she fussed over me, telling me endless old wives’ tales and archaic advice despite being a nurse. I was already on all the vitamins the doctor had recommended after the blood test came back positive and was doing my best to eat something every day. I’d begun a new job and couldn’t wallow much in morning sickness and self-pity.

  My dad was furious and demanded to know who the father was. He suspected Willis but I convinced him it was impossible. He wasn't having his little girl having a fatherless child while living in his house. He’d married my mom because she was pregnant with me and felt the responsible man had to step up. My pregnancy made my parents speak to each other for the first time in years as my
mother defended me, telling my father I needed time to figure things out.

  ****

  By the end of the third month, my morning sickness had subsided significantly. I still saw the baby as an alien part of me. I couldn't relate at all to the idea of me being responsible for someone else's life.

  My days at work were hectic and I got home exhausted and tired every day. My dad was warming up to me, buying all the cravings I had and asking me everyday how I felt. I still sensed the overwhelming disappointment he was feeling and I couldn’t bear it. I knew I had to move into my own place eventually. I had some savings, but I was a financial industry executive; saving was everything. Mooching off my dad for the time being was a huge saving for the baby's future and mine. I knew that once the baby was in daycare and I was working full time, I’d be able to eventually fully afford to live in my own place with my child.

  Feeling my baby fluttering around the fourth month was when the penny dropped. I finally made the connection between the baby and life. I cried and cried that night and even my dad and step mother, tried to feel the kicking but only I felt it at first. That same week I went for a scan to see what I was having.

  When I told my father it was a boy, he cried tears of joy and held me, rocking me like he had as a child. On that day, the baby became real to him. His only child was going to have a son, and he was going to have a grandson. A week later at Christmas, almost the entire lot of presents around the tree were for his future grandson. Him not knowing who the father was, was no longer something we fought about. I hoped that someday, he’d understand that the father of my son would not be able to be in his life.

  ****

  At the fifth month I decided I was strong enough to ‘Google’ Jonathan, to see how he was getting on with his life. I found a tabloid photograph of him entering a popular exclusive restaurant with Ashley. I checked the date; it had been taken two weeks after our last encounter in the condo, right around the time I found out I was pregnant.

  My heart wilted; so he’d run back to her. I couldn’t blame him. Perhaps he could finally have his chance at happiness and by now he was probably planning a family of his own with Ashley, the woman his family wanted.

  I checked for news on the company. It seemed to be performing better than ever and Jonathan Carter would become substantive CEO of Strauss Carter in a few weeks. So he’d done what was expected of him in the end and stepped up to his responsibilities to his family name. I couldn't find anything else on his private life so I guessed he’d deliberately made sure there was nothing for them to print. The only people in Atlanta who knew I was pregnant were my mom’s family, so my secret was safe. My former co-workers kept in touch from time to time, mostly work related details. I had no long term friends there. I did ask Betty for information by email in a roundabout way to avoid suspicion:

  Me: “How is Mr. Baker?”

  Betty: “He's had a hair transplant since you left LOL”

  Me: “LOL and how is Mr. J. Carter”

  Betty: “He’s been off on a personal break in Europe for a few months, he'll be back in a few weeks to be CEO, probably as tight-assed as ever.”

  Okay, so he must be having a mega honeymoon with Ashley, I thought. Suddenly, a feeling of despondency filled me. I was carrying his child and he’d never hear about it or see him. Because if a relationship with me was about to destroy his family, then a non-white child would certainly rip them apart completely. Their only son makes a black child out of wedlock. That would not go down well in their circles at all. I reminded myself again and again that this was the best decision I could have made; for all of us. Jonathan got to live the life that was expected of him, I got to live a life where I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about destroying a family and my son would never have to meet people who hated him on sight.

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  Just after my seventh month, on a Saturday afternoon, I was at home sitting in the back garden. My father had gone to meet friends for golf, my step-mother had gone shopping for the afternoon and I was sunning myself on a lounger, looking very pregnant. I found it hilarious that I was carrying this huge belly around. I’d gained 20 pounds and knew it would be challenging to work out afterwards with a baby in tow and no help from anyone. I heard the door bell ringing. My parents had keys to let themselves in so I knew it wasn't them. I was wearing my yoga pants and a loose T-shirt, my hair tied in a pony tail. I had a water bottle with me and sipped from it as I padded towards the front door, barefoot.

  I opened the door and there in front of me, stood Jonathan. He was standing there, dressed in his trademark dark jeans, gray V neck T-shirt and dark sports shoes. In his hand, he was holding his cell phone and a key fob for a car.

  Startled, I took an involuntary step backwards and dropped my water bottle. He was looking at me intently, sweeping his piercing blue gaze up and down me in apparent shock. I began to shut the door in his face but he quickly put his foot in the crack at the last moment.

  "Jonathan, please leave." I was avoiding his gaze, trying to keep the door from opening fully.

  "No. I'm not leaving."

  "Jonathan, my boyfriend is going to be here any minute and he’ll not be happy to find you here."

  He snorted in response, narrowing his eyes. "What boyfriend, Lena? If there is actually a boyfriend then I’m staying right here until him and I meet to discuss this," he snapped, nodding towards my swollen belly.

  "What do you want?"

  "I want the truth."

  He was struggling to remain calm; I could see anger simmering under the surface.

  "Does your wife know you are here?" I snapped. He had the nerve to come to my father's house and give me attitude without his wife knowing he was looking up ex-girlfriends.

  "I don't have a wife, Lena."

  I paused, perplexed. I’d seen his pictures dining with Ashley after we broke up.

  "What happened to Ashley?"

  He shook his head. "I told you I could never go back to her; you know this."

  Just then my father pulled up.

  "Shit. Jonathan, you have to go; my dad is here. I’ll call you." I whispered urgently. I knew my nosy father would want to know who he was.

  Jonathan stepped aside from the front door but made no further attempt to leave.

  My father, having noticed a stranger standing there, came out of the garage towards the front door.

  "Honey, what's going on?" my dad asked, appraising Jonathan.

  Jonathan stepped forward confidently and stretched out his hand.

  "Sir, my name is Jonathan Carter. I'm here to visit Lena. I’ve been away for a few months and when I got back to Atlanta, I called her mother, Mrs. Williams, to find out how Lena is doing. Her mother told me Lena was pregnant by her boyfriend from Atlanta, an employee at her previous job. She asked if I knew him. As far as I’m concerned, Lena was my girlfriend in Atlanta and she left me. I knew nothing about this pregnancy. Lena has cut me off and won't speak to me and now I hear she's pregnant. I came immediately to LA to find out what is going on."

  I was fuming with rage; I couldn't believe he could tell my father all our personal stuff. I turned to him angrily.

  "What are you doing?"

  I saw the defiance in his eyes, "Whatever it takes."

  My father interrupted.

  "Are you saying you are responsible for this?" He indicated my swollen belly with a wave of his hand.

  I blushed and tried to conceal my bump with the door.

  "That's what I'm here to find out, Sir."

  My father looked at me.

  "Lena, what do you have to say for yourself?"

  I was backed into a corner.

  "Dad, I'm sorry about all this, let me just talk to him and figure things out."

  "Okay, well let him in then."

  "No, I'll talk to him somewhere private, let me grab my shoes."

  Damn it, I thought as I walked away. Why would my mother tell him about my pregnancy? He was obviously here because
he suspects it’s his. I’ll have to find a way to convince him otherwise and get him out of my life. I’ll do anything to protect this baby.

  I thought about how attractive he looked standing at my door. Was there ever going to be a time I didn’t find him so desirable? I had to get a grip. He was here to interrogate me and I had to get on with it before he squawked more private details to my dad.

  I went to find my slip-on sandals and a light jacket and made my way back to the hallway where Jonathan was telling my dad about his travels for the last few months. My father was usually quite intimidating and yet he was handling my dad quite well. They were the same height and stood face to face. I could tell my father was still being quite aloof with him; wary of the whole situation.

  "I'll see you later, dad."

  "Honey, are you sure you’re okay?"

  "Yes, dad."

  Jonathan extended his hand again.

  "Thank you sir, I apologize once again for intruding like this."

  My dad shook his hand.

  "Well, I hope, you kids resolve this sooner rather than later."

  Jonathan nodded and stepped aside for me to walk ahead of him.

  We walked in silence towards the black Range Rover SUV parked at the curb.

  He opened the door and helped me in, all the while eyeing my belly grimly. He looked disappointed and even angry. He walked around to the drivers’ door, hopped in, started the car and took off.

  “What the hell are you doing, Jonathan?” I shouted angrily.

  His face remained grim as he navigated through traffic, checking the GPS directions.

  "Jonathan, are you listening to me? You should never have come."

  His hand came smashing down on the dashboard with unrestrained rage. I jumped in my seat, startled at his furious reaction.

  "Lena, how could you?” he seethed. “Don't even... Just... Let's get to the condo. We will talk there."